A Heretical Excuse

I missed putting up a review today. You, the loyal reader, deserve a better excuse than “my personal life was crazy” or “I was crushed by the amount of work I had to do this week.” Frankly, you can get those kind of excuses anywhere, and we all know they’re lies, just excuses for being too lazy to put in the kind of quality work an unpaid “labor of love” deserves. So you get a better excuse. Like this one:

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We interrupt this entertainment (?) for the following …

Have you ever felt lazy? Ineffective? Does it seem like the whole world is burning down around you and there’s nothing you want to do about it?

And, worse yet, do you feel bad about it? If you’re like millions of Americans, the answers to these questions is “Yes.” But you don’t have to feel bad about it any longer!

Just convert to the new religion of Buchananism. Founded by James Buchanan, fifteenth president of the United States, Buchananism preaches a message of forgiveness and sloth. You don’t have to worry about two wars, a elephantine deficit, the BP oil spill, or the gradual lardassing of an entire nation — Buchananism tells us that if it’s really a problem, then someone else with more fervor and a much clearer moral compass will come along and clean it all up. [DISCLAIMER: May result in hundreds of thousands of your countrymen’s death and as many more maimed and wounded — but it won’t be your fault!]

Buchananism expects nothing tangible of you — just as you should expect nothing tangible from Buchananism. There is no tithing and no early morning worship services. You will never be asked to support causes that you don’t believe in. There are no controversies and no creepy, criminal, or immoral clergy — because there is no clergy! You will never see a conspicuous monument to Buchananism and wonder if the money used to build it would have been better spent on another cause because there will be no monuments, and Buchananism doesn’t believe in causes. There are no metaphysical dilemmas with Buchananism either — that’s something no other major religion can claim! Just sit back and keep an eye on your own stuff. That’s all that Buchananism asks! (Although if you send $39.99 to the address below, we can send you a Blu-Ray of Kansas bleeding, so you can experience the sacrament of fundament testing the way Buchananism founder James Buchanan intended.)

And if that isn’t enough, we personally guarantee that Buchananism is the only major world religion with a functional religio-bot avatar here on Earth. [DISCLAIMER: RoboZoroaster does not count because it hasn’t learned — or more likely doesn’t care — about the distinction between good and evil. All it does is drive around in that tricked out Mazda and perform stupid magic tricks …] The Robot James Buchanan, when not stalking Jimmy Carter or planning to ineffectually harass Mormons, is available to counsel you on how to either do nothing or do something so horribly badly that no one will ever ask you to do it again. [WARNING: Do not ask Robot James Buchanan to attend, entertain, or look at a child’s birthday party or a bar — ]

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Whoa. Where did that come from? …

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, always be careful of new religions, even if you think they are everything you believe in.