Top 10 Occupations from The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, A to Z, v. 2

They should have this book in guidance offices in high schools across the country instead of … whatever it is that guidance counselors use to inform kids about their choices. This volume is so full of great careers even “vampire hunter” (Blade) and “monster hunter” (Elsa Bloodstone) don’t make the list.

10. Kalorian (Count Abyss). “Kalorian” is term some writer made up. It has something to do with being in a symbiotic relationship with a very powerful alien. Exactly what it has to do with being a symbiote is left unexplained. It’s probably unpleasant, but I left it on the list because it would certainly allow you to write your own job responsibilities. What does a Kalorian do? Whatever I say.

Still, being a Kalorian is probably better than being an “avatar of Agamotto” (Cadaver). It’s never good when a high muckamuck magical being is telling you what to do.

9. Protector of the Universe (Captain Marvel). The hours are awful, and there’s no retirement plan. But you do get to see, well, everything.

8. Cultist (Betty Brant). I suppose it does take up all your time, but room and board is usually provided. Those perks are what sets “cultist” apart from Panther Cult acolyte (Kasper Cole), because Black Panther is not shelling out money for your extras. You can lift yourself up by finding your own heart-shaped herb (and hoping it doesn’t kill you).

7. Self-declared ruler of the Negative Zone (Blastaar). I think I’m going to list this as my occupation on my 1040 next year. It’s not a perfect job; it requires more responsibility than “self-proclaimed savior of Earth” (Centurius), and it’s harder to establish yourself as a ruler than savior. (Generally, saviors only have die to prove their bona fides, and we all do that.) On the other hand, all you have to do is say you’re either one, and you’re set.

6. Competitor (Champion). Now you’re talking. He’s a competitor! All broadcasters of all sports ever love him. He doesn’t even have to win! Imagine going up to people and challenging them to competition all the time. Because you’re a competitor! That’s what it’s like to be Champion!

On second thought, that sounds depressing.

5. Investigator of reality (Contemplator). Think of the comically large magnifying glass you’d get with this job! Plus, you can confidently say that most things are, in fact, real. You’d rarely be wrong. It’s a better job than “reality traveler” (Blink); I travel through reality every time I walk to the bathroom. I suppose I could start investigating reality too, but that seems like too much of a bother unless I were going to make a career of it.

4. Demonic pawn (Copperhead). This has a retirement plan that is worse than protector of the universe, and your boss calls you into work all the time — weekends, late nights, apocalypses. But supervisors are very clear about what they want, and it’s one of those jobs you go into knowing exactly what you’re in store for. Recommended for those who aren’t self-starters but are good negotiators.

3. Scavenger (Caliban). You do get to set your own hours, and you’re your own boss. You aren’t trapped behind a desk all day, either. However, you do risk someone sticking a knife between your ribs. It’s a little better than “drifter” (Cammi), since being a scavenger implies a little more ambition.

2. Wealthy recluse (Moira Brandon). This is the job for those of us who are lazy but are too inept in social situations to shift blame or work onto co-workers. Wealthy recluse narrowly edges “heiress” (Crimson Cowl), since there’s a touch of entitlement to heiress that raises resentment in others; people usually believe wealthy recluses have done something to earn the wealth that allows them to recluse.

1. Insane menace (Bloodwraith). Insanity has a low bar for qualification; all of us are psychologically abnormal in some way or another. The “menace” part is what gets you the respect similar professions — such as “megalomaniac” (Brothers Grimm [Nathan Dolly]) — are denied.

Additionally, Bloodwraith was a squire before he was an insane menace. It’s a strange career progression that takes you from knight’s assistant to crazy threat to everyone.

Dishonorable mention: Would-be conqueror (Bain, Count Nefaria). Keep trying, guys. Let me know when you accomplish something.

Addendum to my few notes on the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, A-Z

One thing I forgot to mention as I went through the first volume of the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, A-Z: What this book really needs is references. Citations, if you will. It would help to know if the actions being described happened in the ‘70s (making them a long established part of the character’s lore) or whether it was something that happened in the last decade (making them more easily forgotten or more likely to be retconned). I don’t care if these citations are in footnotes or in parentheses; ideally, they would have the comic title, issue number, and the year, but I can do without the year. There isn’t much room for citations, I admit, but if Marvel got rid of those idiotic power bars, which ranks the character on a scale of 1 to 7 in six categories, then they’d have room for the citations, especially if they footnoted them in small type.

A few notes on the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, A-Z, v. 1

I’m slowly working my way through the first volume of the new, hardcover The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, A to Z, and even though I’m barely into the B’s, there are a few things I can tell you about it as opposed to the previous edition:

1) The entries seem to have a greater level of detail than the original, which frequently had only a paragraph or two about the history of minor characters while concentrating on powers and vital stats. I don’t know if my perception here is correct; maybe I’m wrong, or maybe there has been so much history over the past 20 years that the entries had to grow.

2) That level of detail does expose some truly idiotic character twists over the past quarter century or so. Every character who has more than a one-page entry has a history that advances in two or three different ways, then gets reset before the next avenue of development can be explored. I applaud the Handbook for unflinchingly laying this stupidity in front of his, and I know the purpose of a reference book isn’t to make excuses or justify the material it’s recording, but there are times when I just want the book to try to give an overriding reason for all these stupid directions. I do appreciate the occasional moments when the writer gives up trying to make sense of what’s going on, adding phrases like “for unknown reasons” or “strangely” to the histories.

3) There are too many entries that make me groan at the thought of reading. Do I want to read three pages about the Annunaki, the Babylonian pantheon, or the 2020 A.D. timeline? (That’s one page more than the 2099 timeline, which supported multiple titles.) No. No, I do not want three pages about either topic. I don’t want to read one page about them, really. And sometimes these drier entries go on too long; the original Handbook had two pages on Atlantis and two on Atlanteans, while the new edition combines the entries into five pages on Atlantis.

4) And there are questionable choices. There’s no entry on Attilan, but minor Goliath / Iron Man villain Atom Smasher and Infinity Abyss plot device Atleza get their own pages? I suppose Attilan could be in the Inhumans entry, though, and I do enjoy minor villains getting their due.

5) Speaking of getting their due: all pictures are credited to the artists on the same page as the illustration. Even the smaller and inset drawings are credited … to the correct penciler, at least.

6) The original Handbook had large pictures of the characters accompanying each entry. The new version scales down the size of these pictures while still keeping them a useful size.

7) There are other areas of design that have been improved. The paper is better, the text is larger, the margins and spacing have been adjusted to add more white space. The headings for each entry’s sections are in red print, setting them apart from the mass of black text.

8) That being said, these advances come at a price. The original, definitive Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Deluxe Edition (OHotMUDE) came in 20 issues, each retailing for $1.50, and I was able to find them for less than that today online. Each volume of the new Handbook retails for $24.99, and there are twelve volumes. (Each set had their additions afterwards, but we’ll leave those aside for the moment.) So the original goes for about $25 or $30; the new Handbook set retails for about ten times that, although if you can get a discount, you might be able to knock it down to $180 or $200. That’s pretty steep. But it does look pretty, I have to admit.